In February, we got the O.K. to start trying again for our family. We had an appointment with Infertility on the 19th and that day was handed Clomid to start taking the next day. They had offered to let us do IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) that same month but with only having 3 minutes to make up my mind it was too much for me to handle so we decided to just go ahead with Clomid and would proceed with IUI next month if we did not get pregnant. So while we had hoped we would never have to do Clomid again, we ended up doing it. Clomid is what got me pregnant with Hudson and Emerson so we knew it had worked for us in the past. The week of Clomid is a week from hell...literally. It is so horrible and draining emotionally, physically and poor Morgan has a wife who is laughing one second to crying the next. Well, on March 14th, Morgan went to work and I picked up some First Response tests and when I got home from dropping him off decided to take one...it was positive. I was in shock and couldn't believe it happened this fast for us. I kept saying "it's too good to be true". I just couldn't believe it. So quickly I thought of a quick cute way to tell Morgan and sent him this:
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We were BEYOND excited that our dream was coming true this quickly and knew the boys played a part in helping us get there. We were ecstatic. I got my HCG levels drawn on Thursday to confirm pregnancy and they were at 15, that is low on the scale so I was told to come back Monday to re check them to make sure they were doubling. Saturday, I decided I wanted to take another digital test because the digital test I took Thursday had said "Not Pregnant" but all the other ones showed 2 lines and blood confirmed it. I waited and got ready, looked back and it showed "Pregnant", I was so relieved knowing that my levels had gone up enough to show positive on a digital test. Confident that my levels were doubling we of course had told family and close friends our exciting news. Not everyone appeared to be as excited as we had hoped for because now that we have gone through one tragedy, so many think it will happen again no matter what. We decided it didn't matter what everyone else thought because we were confident that everything was going to be OK with this pregnancy.
Today, Monday March 18th
I went to get my levels re drawn and double checked and then got the news that confirmed my theory of "it's too good to be true". Instead of doubling, my number went from 15 to a 10. This is a sign of Chemical Pregnancy and that I will be Miscarrying soon. Now I have to go tell everyone that I have already told I was pregnant that this pregnancy is not viable and I am miscarrying. I think that is what I am most mad about. Morgan and I have decided nobody will know about our future pregnancies until we are out of the danger zone. As hard as it may be to keep it away from people, its awful going and telling someone who was excited for us (or not excited for us) that I will not be pregnant much longer. This afternoon I received a call saying that they will re-check my number on Monday and Tuesday I will have a follow up appointment with the head Dr of Infertility. Lets pray that either my numbers have skyrocketed or that there is a sac on the ultrasound on Tuesday and the numbers are just fluke. I am remaining hopeful.
Will this ruin us? No. Will it break us down? No. Will it stop us from trying? Absolutely Not. Will we go in more hesitant next time around? Maybe. I don't want a pity party, I am so sick and tired of that. I know I am strong, because you know what? That is my only option. Possibly now 2 miscarriages and watching Hudson and Emerson die in my arms, will NOT stop me from trying. We want a family. We will have a family no matter how many times it takes to get us there, when we finally take our baby home for the first time, it will be the greatest day of our life. So please, just pray for us that someday we will have our miracle baby to take home but for now, just treat me like I am a normal person.
