March 7, 2013
3 Months
I am tired. I am worn. I am sad. I am broken. I am hurt. I am struggling.
I don't know why things happen the way they do. I will never understand this. I don't believe that one day down the line I will say "So THIS is why I had to watch my own two sons die in front of me, to watch their hearts beat from normal to barely beating, to be able to do NOTHING to help them."
Today marks 3 months since the best and worst day of our lives and its rough.
I don't want to be strong anymore, I don't want everyone to think I have it all together, because I don't. On the outside all I hear is "you are so strong", that's a perception, an opinion, it is not a fact.
Do you know how broken I am? No. Not even I know how broken I am but constantly hearing "you are so strong" has screwed me up. Now I feel the pressure to constantly feel together and feel like I can't be negative even just one day because then it turns into "it's OK, you are so strong you will make it." It has been 3 months and people are still relating every emotion attached to me to the boys when it may have nothing to do with them. It gets tiring and I am tired. Nobody I know, has been through this. Nobody understands so stop pretending you do. Stop trying. I don't want you to know what this feels like. Maybe it would be easier for you but right now in this moment, I am worn and struggling. I don't want sympathy. I am tired of hearing the same things over and over again. Support is great and it is greatly appreciated but all I want is to have ONE DAY just ONE where I can say what I want and nobody gives me a pity party back.
Please, I am asking you, allow me to feel broken, allow me to hurt, allow me to be a complete mess without saying "you are strong" because when I hear that, I feel I have to show that and EVERYONE needs some time to just break down.
Never let anyone make you feel like you should feel a certain way. You want to be sad about this? Then feel sad! You want to feel angry about it? Then be angry! This is YOUR situation and you deal with it asyou see fit! If people don't like that, tough! Cuz they aren't the ones going through it. I feel like when people say things like you are strong and will get through this, it makes you feel like you're being weak if you take time to mourn. NOT TRUE! You take the time you need to mourn these beautiful boys. Be angry, be sad, be whatever you want that well help you. And try to block everything else out.
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